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From: James B. Mitchell
Date: 5/5/2003
Time: 9:29:22 AM
Remote Name: 67.123.56.145
Hi, Ken. I think there are some good ideas in this song. Songs built around "I need you like...(fill in the blank)" are difficult to pull off. There have been so many of them written. I think the trick is to come up with fresh comparisons, otherwise the ear and the brain turn off.
This is all just my opinion, but I think many of your lines are predictable and don't serve your song. I thought a quick way to point out the ones that strike me as interesting or unusual would be to edit out the lines that are tired or predictable.
So, here are the lines, in my opinion, that work well:
Yes I need You like a river needs to run
Yes I love You like a painter loves the light I love You like a poet loves to see The starry starry night
Yes I feel You like a blindman feels the breeze
(^^^ Top-notch line, in my opinion.. beautiful!)
I feel You like a mother feels the love Of her baby when she sleeps
(^^ The "she" in "when she sleeps" is ambiguous -- could be the mother or the baby. Seems awfully long.)
I need You I love You I feel You my Lord…Rpt to fade
"Yes I feel You like a blindman feels the breeze" is a great line -- fresh image, powerful, full of undertones. I'd encourage to go for more like this line.
As always, just one person's opinion.
-- James